I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Can you bring me the toilet please
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
