im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im six kinds of drunk right now
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
