Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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