You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
