the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
