Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
