I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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