i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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