best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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