sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
