I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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