The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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