found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
