There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
