He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
