I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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