I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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