Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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