I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
