If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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