my phone needs a breathalizer
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
