omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
