i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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