also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
