Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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