I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
