When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
