I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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