So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
