if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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