why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Randomize
