it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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