I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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