It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
