i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The uberlube is also flammable
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
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