I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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