I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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