I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
