Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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