i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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