Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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