I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
