i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
