I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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