If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
