Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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