i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
