I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
