i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
this boner is exhausting
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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