new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
