I wish I could teleport
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
