there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
