what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
