Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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